Today was not one of the better days of my life.  I was woken up 15 minutes before my alarm went off by thunder.  Walking the dog in a downpour is just never fun.  I was thinking I just wanted to stay home.  I sucked it up and was off to work only to be met by a sit down with my boss.  I know business has been bad all year.  We have all taken a 25% pay cut (which happened at the end of January).  Things had not changed much as the year has progressed.  Summer is normally the slowest time of the year, so I was just hoping we would make it until the summer was over.  It doesn’t seem like that will happen.  Tomorrow will be my last day at the job that I was hoping to stay at until I retired.  I am pretty much a train wreck today.  I know I will calm down after the shock has worn off.

The thing is I have never had a problem getting a job, but this is not a normal time.  I still think that I will be able to dazzle someone with my shear wonderfulness and get work.  I really just didn’t want to leave my job.  They were my little extended family.  As big of pain as my boss could be, he is still someone I actually love.  We have been through a lot together, not all good, but still we went through it together.

I know the decision was very hard for my boss to make.  I know that he would have preferred to have kept things just rolling along.  However, he had to think about the survival of the company.  He is worrying it is turning from a job into a hobby.  It is oddly like breaking up with someone and I am just plain sad.  My days will no longer be the same and I just want to wake up and find that the whole thing was just a bad dream.

To trust or not to trust…..

It seems like it would be so easy, but we all have our issues and this is one of mine.  How can people be hurt over and over and still find a way to trust someone?  I get the “you create your own reality” concept and I see how my reality is shaped around my belief, but how do you change the belief if everything you see confirms it.  Life is a series of vicious cycles.  Not that any cycle can’t be broken, but making the break is the trick.  Those sort of things are more easily said than done.  Now I also think things don’t have to be hard to change, but most of the time that is how it seems to go.  So here I am tyring to make that break.  Can I just jump into the deep end?  If I do, will I hit my head and drown?  If I go under, will I be able to get back out?  It seems so drastic and so very “all or nothing” but you feel how you feel.

Maybe it is less me and more the actions of others that cause my lack of trust.  It is easy to lay the blame at the feet of others, but in actuality it is all mine.  No matter what has happened to me or out of me, no matter what I have seen done to others.  And as we know if all is choice, I have the option of safety instead of sticking my neck out so it can possibly be chopped off.  Or I can risk it.  What is the worst that could happen?  I feel hurt, stupid, embarrassed, or the worst……unlovable.  Well, I have felt all those things before and I am still here.  As awful as those things could be, I just won’t get what I truly want if I am too afraid of looking stupid.

So I am setting out to jump off the deep end……..

So thing have been a little crazy lately.  I guess that is just the way life goes.  I have had a difficult year, the economy has effected me more that I would like.  I lost 25% of my income this year.  The good thing is that I was able to still get everything paid, but there was very little left over for the luxuries I have become accustom to enjoying.  I was a bit down about the whole thing, not knowing if or when it would be over.  I knew I could hang in there for a short time, because I always think I can do anything for a short time.  It was the long term that was making me nervous.

I was very unhappy about the event, but I just think that the only thing you can do is to try to find that “silver lining”.  Which interesting has come and gone.  I was offered a employee share option by my boss.  One of your clients needed some help and my boss didn’t have enough work to keep me busy all week.  So basically my boss was pimping me out for 2 days a week.  The best part is that I was back in the city 2 days a week.  The funny thing about my boss is his ability to jump on a good thing and then kill it.  I am a little up in the air as to what will actually happen, but after my boss got too involved suddenly they don’t really need me much.  I have a really great relationship with the guy, he just doesn’t like dealing with my boss.

So I am choosing to take what extra Charlie has to offer and if it ends then it ends.  I will enjoy my time there and enjoy having a regular income as well.  I hope things turn around for our industry, but I don’t have a crystal ball.  So you make the best choices you can each day and just keep moving forward.

All of these things aside I was recently talking about being happy and why so many people just aren’t happy.  Now bad stuff happens to everyone that is just a fact.  I have always said it is not about what happens to us, but about how you deal with what happens.  I decided that too many people only take in “happy” when it is some sort of event.  Life is not your birthday every day.  There are so many wonderful things that are just ignored on a daily basis.  Someone close to me asked why I was in a good mood the other day.  My reply was simple, “it was a sunny day” and that was really the answer.  It had been rainy and shitty for several days and the fact that it was sunny actually made me feel good.  My answer was met with a reaction similar to ‘it must be nice to live in your world where the only things that matter are inconsequential.”  I just don’t know when people became programed to only respond positively to something big and amazing.  What happens to the kid in us that can find joy in the little things?  Yes, I am aware that we don’t get to “play” all day as an adult, but the is no reason to loose that mind set.  Take the fun where you can get it….that is the way to go.  As I said everyday is not your birthday or even a ball of fun.  However, there is usually somethings that can bring us joy even when you are just walking to the train or seeing a animal playing.  Find those little things and let them in, give them value and see how much better you life can be by just changing your focus.

So I wrote this elaborate post with all this back story on my dating life. Explaining in detail why from time to time I am bitter and cynical. Honestly, I guess we all are those things sometimes.

All that really matters in this story is that someone stole money from me. We met and went for a few drinks. I paid for mine, he did not and I ended up having to pay the entire tab. I didn’t have enough money and it was a very horrible situation. So not only did I have to pay the tab, the jerk also took the cash that I left for my share. He just did a bad thing.

So I came home all crazy and upset. I let myself freak out that evening and the entire next day. I decided to tell my friends and my co-worker what happened, even though it was not easy. I felt like I  needed to own what happened. And telling people was my way of doing that. I was embarrassed, but there was no reason to be.  It would have been easier to just have a quiet day, but that would be shame taking control and not me. So as annoying as it was I told everyone. I moped around all day and just let myself have my reaction. I knew that I would bounce back and feel better at some point and I also  didn’t think it would take very long. It did not, I was ok by the next morning. So I was back to normal, but it is not an experience that I will forget.

And as optimistic as I am, I just am not sure if there is a nice guy who is also attractive to me.  I am not crazy, they don’t have to be Tyson hot, but they have to at least be appealing to me.  It doesn’t seem like that is too much to ask for. So I will struggle to keep hope alive and we will see how it goes. But right now, I am not feeling to optimistic. I will keep you updated, but for right now today….guys suck!

I have to say, I do know nice guys who are attractive to me. I guess it is not just about being nice.  It is about being nice and wanting to be with me. I guess I would like to be in love again. I sometimes worry….what if I  only got that one shot…..what if it never happens again.

So some time has passed…..and I have rewritten this a few times. I am feeling much less pessimistic as time goes by. It is all sort of funny now. Things are always healing when you can start to laugh at the situation.

This is the sort of sharing that makes me feel naked. Actually, it would be easier to be naked than post this.

It is unbelievable to me what goes through my head sometimes.

So this is my first blog entry.  One reason I have hesitated about blogging is that I figured people would read it and think I was crazy.  I am happy and full of joy on one day and barely making it through the next.  I do not think I am bi-polar, even though my last statement sounds like I am.  I am starting to realize that what I am is pretty normal.  That’s sort of funny due to the fact that most people would not use that word to describe me.

So with some prompting from my friend Troy, I am going to have a blog with a theme.  I am going to try to not use this space to just bitch about day to day stuff….although I am sure that will happen from time to time.  My plan is to use this space to try document the regular ups and downs of life.  I am generally a happy person, to the point of being annoying to a great deal of people.  However, no one’s life is cherry all the time (especially now).  And the trick to life, in my opinion, is not to be happy all the time.  You would lose the color of life if it was all easy and fun.  The trick is to be able to ride the waves of your life, the highs, the lows, and everywhere in between. To be present and aware as you go through your days. I strive for that, but as you will see and I am completely aware that is not always the case. So here we go…..